Candy Coated Trash

It’s lookin like a wrap for old singin Chester. His defense team scored a major win with the hole “R-Kelly has a mole on his back and dude in the video doesn’t” argument. Onlythe prosecution came back with it’s own expert witness who slowed the tape down, blew up the picture and pointed out the same damn mole Kels’ attorneys said wasn’t there. And to the defense’s claims that somebody altered the tape, the prosecution’s video analyst said It would take someone 44 years — working nonstop, 24/7, 365 days a year — to be able to fake the sex tape. Check and mate.

This nigga’s goin to jail. And good for him. Hopefully that poor lil misguided 13-year-old will have been the last one the Pied Piper pipes. Of course , he’ll have plenty of tight, young prospects where he’s headed. LOL. Oh, Chester.

I can’t even listen to that “Your Body’s Callin (remix)” the same way. Still effin with it tho. Your boy’s got talent. A couple of talents, actually (I saw the tape), though I wish he’d keep it away from the kiddies. Damn, R.

— Mel

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Okay this isn’t exactly new – It’s from Sept. 24, 2004, actually — and has technically been public access since Kobe’s rape trial wrapped, but the very graphic and intimate details have just recently gained major media attention. Below are a few tasty little tidbits from Kobe’s first police interrogation, broken up into three conversations, the morning after bangin that chick in his hotel room in Colorado.

Apparently your boy makes a habit of cummin on chicks faces, (shouts to Vanesa), prefers it rough with hands around his ladies’ throat, and appreciates expert head (at which apparently the 19-year-old he was accused of raping was not efficient). Practice makes perfect. Enjoy your garbage!

First Convo

221 Detective Winters: Okay, all right um, did anything happen in the room?

223 Bryant: Like what?

225 Detective Loya: Uh, did you guys hug or kiss?

227 Detective Winters: Kiss or hug?

229 Bryant: No.

231 Detective Winters: Nothing like that happened?

233 Bryant: No.

235 Detective Winters: Okay. Um, I’ll be blunt and ask you. Did you have sexual intercourse with

236 her?

238 Bryant: No.

240 Detective Winters: Okay. Uh, what, okay, Kobe here’s what I’d like to do okay. Um,

241 yet there is an allegation that it was an unconsensual intercourse that occurred last night, okay.

242 All right, hang on, okay, hang on, I understand you have every right to be upset, okay, but, you

243 know, but, I’m giving you an opportunity to tell the truth if something did happen, because I’m

244 gonna tell you right now, um, we’re gonna find out.

340 Bryant: Uh, this is what I need to know because uh, I did have sexual intercourse with her

341 cause I was …(inaudible whisper).

345 Detective Loya: Okay, was it consensual?

347 Bryant: It was totally consensual.

349 Detective Loya: What makes you believe, what makes you believe it was consensual?

351 Bryant: Cause she started kissing me, (inaudible) then she bent over and (inaudible).

Second Convo

529 Detective Loya: Hey Kobe, have you ever had any of these allegations made against you before?

531 Bryant: No. You kidding me.

533 Detective Loya: No?

535 Bryant: Never, I like, I treat everybody with the utmost respect, absolutely nothing…

554 Detective Loya: Did you ever ask her if you wanted, if you could cum in her face?

556 Bryant: Yes. That’s when she said no. That’s when she said no. That’s when she said no.

562 Bryant: Um, you know, that’s when I asked if I could cum in her face, she said no.

564 Detective Loya: So you like to cum in your partners face?

566 Bryant: That’s my thing, not always, I mean, so I stopped. Jesus Christ man. (Inaudible).

595 Detective Winters: Okay. Okay. Um, did she give you oral sex or anything like that?

605 Bryant: For like 5 seconds I said, um, give me a blow job, um, and then (inaudible) kiss it (inaudible) she gave me a blow job.

608 Detective Loyola: So the blowjob lasted 5 seconds?

614 Bryant: Wait, not, I mean like she was, kept on doing, I just told her to get up (inaudible) she didn’t know what she was doing.

Third Convo

1005 Detective Winters: And I understand, and just let me finish okay. So one you lied to us, okay,

1006 that doesn’t help. Two, um, then, then we confront this issued and you seemed a little bit

1007 skeptical in the details of exactly what happened throughout the entire incident okay. I’m not

1008 saying you’re a person that would do something like this okay. I agree with you, I agree that you

1009 got caught up in the moment. Okay. No doubt about it, you know, no doubt about it whatsoever.

1010 What I think you got caught up in also Mr. Bryant, is that, and I agree, I, I completely agree with

1011 you, it was consensual up to the point of the hugging and kissing issue I agree, completely

1012 consensual. I have no issues with that whatsoever. What I, what I’m being, what I’m skeptical

1013 on is that I don’t know how consensual the sexual intercourse was. Okay. I don’t, I don’t, I

1014 guess to be honest with you I’m not sure, I’m not sure, if we’re getting all the facts presented to

1015 us as far as what exactly happened. See this is the way I [look] at it, I, you know, I look at it this way,

1016 she’s an attractive young lady okay.

1018 Bryant: She wasn’t that attractive.

1024 Bryant: I didn’t finish a fucking thing.

1030 Detective Winters: And I know it stopped at a certain point okay, um…

1032 Detective Loya: By, by no means do we think that you’re…

1034 Bryant: Matter of fact.

1036 Detective Winters: Go ahead.

1038 Bryant: (Inaudible). I jerked off when she left. (Inaudible).

Kobe also insisted that the cops contact this chick named Michelle, whom he gets it in with on the regular, to ask about his sexual proclivities, to prove that he does like choking his women and did not choke his 19-year-old accuser to subdue or harm her, but just because that’s how he do. LOL. Peep the entire doc at TheSmokingGun.com.

Just to keep it all the way 100 tho, that shyt sounds hot. Holla at me Kobe.

– Mel

So now Chester’s defense team is trying to say R has a mole on his back and the guy in the video doesn’t, therefore, it’s not R pissin on that lil girl. Man, please. I saw the video. That shyt was Robert Kelly, okay? Gross. And the girl couldn’t have been a day older than 14 to the common eye.

I really wanted to be on R’s side about this. Dude’s a musical genius and I wanted to believe that he doesn’t molest children. And we all know soma these 15 and 16-year-olds walking around here today could eeeeasily gor for a good 21, 22, 23-years old. A good man can honestly get caught up in a jail bait type sit, nowadays. (You’ve got to card these chicks, gentlemen). But yo, when I saw the video in question, with R Kelly pissin on this girl …man, this chick is a kid, you hear me!? Clearly, an underdeveloped, awkwardly moving, blank-faced and confused. Child.

Chester ought to be strung up by his balls over hot coals in hell.

Love that “Freaky in the Club,” tho. That’s my shyt.

– Mel

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So after weeks of staying mum — Though the legal papers have been all over the net and we’ve all seen the John Hancocks on the marriage doc — Beyonce is just now, finally admitting that she and my man Jay-Z tied the knot.

I’m happy for the two and trying hard to fight the jealousy I feel bubbling in my stomach whenever I see these two splashed across the cover of a magazine together. They are two enormous talents and philanthropists and deserve to be happy, right? Then why am I so mad? Hater. I gotta to better.

Anyway,  according to the Daily Dish, Bey said, “I don’t deny it (the wedding). I just don’t talk about it. We’ve never talked about us and it’s kind of protected our relationship. I think it’s kept us out of tabloid drama.

“A lot of actresses that have had successful relationships don’t talk about them, so neither do I.”

Good for you, Bey! Maybe I need to stop tellin my business. Could that be the problem? Damn, Jay is sexy as hell.

–Mel

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Pic: Jennifer Buhl/ Pacific Coast News

Denise Richards chatted up her new E! reality show, Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, Monday on Larry King Live. The divorcee told King she wanted to do the show because “I’m a single mom that needs to support my kids, and it was an opportunity to work at home.”

Me too! I’d love a break like that. People payin me to post a couple of camera guys in my house? That’s what’s up. Long as their not all in my refrigerator, we’re good.

–Mel

Usher (pronounced Ursher. No, I just do that) snuggles his 5-month-old during a break form shooting a promo for the upcoming MTV Movie Awards. Show us the baby Urhser! Selfish. The show airs June 1.

Pics: Bryan Bedder/Getty

Pete Wentz chit chatted about his new life as a Mr. Simpson for the first time to Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday, since his Alice in Wonderland themed wedding with Ashlee Simpson this weekend. Actually, the two did go the traditional route with Ash taking his last name. How sweet. The rocker still won’t say if the wife is with child, but he did confirm the two signed a prenup.

The two skipped out on a honeymoon for now and are instead holed up in Pete’s LA basement with a couple of blow up palm trees, a tanning booth and DiGiorno pizza. That’s the life. Good luck you two crazy kids.
–Mel

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Tuesday, at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Changeling, a very pregnant Angelina Jolie laid a wet one square on the mouth of Clint Eastwood’s wife, Dina. When in France … I guess.

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I dunno if it was pressure from the label (tho Def Jam originally said they were behind this nonsense) or his own moment of clarity, but Nas has decided not to go with the N-word as the title of his upcoming album. (Exhaling). I looove Nas, and honestly woulda bought the album just off GP, but my knee jerk reaction when the news of the controversial title first broke was one of disappointment and fear. Then I started thinking about all the other respected artists who have successfully used the historically ugly word to enlighten — Dick Gregory, for one — and I wanted to give Nasir the benefit of the doubt. Still though, I don’t think the timing is right for a project like this.

I mean can you imagine, white kids getting this kinda leeway to just throw the word around left and right,

“Hey, you cop that new Nigger?” “Yeah I got that Nigger, that’s hot.”

I don’t think I could take it. And yes, I am one a those we-can-say-it-but-they-can’t thinkers, though I don’t like the word myself.

Anyway, it’s for the best Nas. The album’s just gonna be called Nas now, btw.

–Mel

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R Kelly’s defense lawyers are trying to get that nasty tape of him peeing on that lil 13-year-old girl thrown out of court, but so far, to no avail. Why dyou wanna get the tape thrown out if it’s not you, Chester? The judge has already previously ruled that the tape will be played for the jury, though. Just stop it. It’s a wrap, R.

– Mel